Dogs are funny. Pink eye is not.

Usually when I get to the gym to do something cardio-related, I check in on Foursquare (why am I obsessed with that and why do I not have the “gym rat” badge even though I’ve been to the gym way more than the required number of times in the required time period?), start some music, set up my gear (towel, water bottle, possibly an issue of Sports Illustrated that I won’t look at but like to have just in case), and change the tv channel to ESPN or ESPN2 (whichever isn’t showing an annoying commercial at the moment). Today, though, when I got on an elliptical (in an ideal world, I will run tomorrow morning), I didn’t change the tv channel — I just started watching whatever was on the current channel. What was on the current channel was a cartoon about dogs — as it turned out, an awesome cartoon about dogs.

I was already in an “OMG haha dogz r funny” mood, if that can be called a “mood,” after reading the mind-blowingly hilarious Hyperbole and a Half post, “Dogs Don’t Understand Basic Concepts Like Moving” today while at work. (Note: I do not recommend reading this while at work, unless you work somewhere noisy. I had to get up from my desk and walk around my office twice while reading it, just to make myself stop laugh-crying while hoping nobody heard me sounding like a cross between the simple dog and a hyperventilating tapir.) So the dog cartoon, because it featured dogs, made me chuckle a few times. Then I realized the dog cartoon was actually really funny and totally ended up LOL by myself, at the gym, on the elliptical. I love when that happens. After a while, I gave up even trying to pretend I wasn’t laughing at a dog cartoon while working out. Good thing the gym tends to be pretty dead on Fridays.

The dog cartoon was called Martha Speaks. You can watch one of the episodes I saw here (click the dog who looks like this martha,  then “browse videos,” then “The Trouble with Teddy”). The episode features a dog who, awesomely, could be described as “simple” and ate something that made him feel sick. Martha had to use her English-speaking and detective skills to figure out what it was. My favorite line: “What counts as weird food to a dog that eats living rooms?”

Then Ben called. I didn’t answer because I don’t really answer my phone at the gym. I did listen to the voicemail he left, which, to my horror, included the words “green eye boogers” and “pink eye” and said he was going to pick up Soren. (To my credit, I am happy to report that, just over one year into this parenting thing, for the first time, my first response when hearing about a new health issue afflicting my child was not “OMG the end is near!”) Then, the following text conversation took place:


I was having a less-than-great workout anyway, so I took the opportunity to consult Dr. Google. Dr. Google said, in relevant part, “green eye boogers, pink eye, antibiotics.” What followed was a mad flurry of texts to Ben, saying things like “Call doctor now!” “Antibiotics!” “We’re all doomed aaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!” and “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?”

Of course, this horrific chain of events happened at around 4:00 p.m., also known as the time doctors’ offices close. Ben called later to say that the doctors’ office was closed. They instructed him to call the on-call doctor over the weekend if it got worse.

I guess this means we’re supposed to spend the weekend with pink eye. Maybe we could take it out for a nice dinner at Carmine’s on Penn, which we love but get to approximately once every three or so years. Although I bet pink eye doesn’t like the same things I like. It would probably want to see dueling pianos or go to bars that serve a wide variety of beer but, disappointingly, most of it is European.

In reality, we’ll probably call the on-call doctor tomorrow, regardless of whether it gets worse. I mean, an extra day with pink eye running rampant through your house probably counts as “worse,” even if it hasn’t infected all 20 eyes in the house. (Not that animals get pink eye from humans, but 20 eyes! There are 20 eyes in this house and I never realized that until just now! Freaky!)

As for me, tonight, I’ll just continue with Hypervigilant Eye Watch 2010.