Apparently turning off blog comments is, like, kind of trendy or something. One of my Facebook friends, who seems to know about these things, recently referred to it as “the new black.” When I did it the other day, I wasn’t trying to be trendy. I just can’t help that I’m always unassumingly on the cutting edge of everything in the world, can I? (Take my word for it, after this vampire thing dies out, which it’s bound to do any minute now, the next big thing is going to be Vikings and, after that, the Amish.)
I consulted my pal Google and found this blog post, wherein the author explains why he turned off blog comments. His reasons for turning off comments make sense to me, except for the “haterz” thing, because I actually don’t mind haterz and I’ve never deleted a hater comment (not that I get very many, except for that one time). Then I found this post, by Everett Bogue (who, according to numerous google searches, is a douche; I cannot speak to the veracity of that statement). I see what he’s saying here, but it’s somewhat condescending to say hey, you can’t comment on my blog because I know better than you how you should use your time so I’m not going to allow you to ineffectively use your time by commenting on my blog. I’m not a fan of making decisions for other people and, anyway, how do you know I have better ways to use my time than commenting on your blog? Maybe instead of commenting on your blog, I’d be out getting more cats to hoard until one day I’m discovered with more than 50 of them in my house (please note that was not actually my house and that shit pisses me off). Maybe I’d be out stealing everybody’s pink plastic yard flamingos and keeping them in my back yard until one day I had enough pink plastic yard flamingos to make them into one big giant pink plastic yard flamingo I’d, like, proudly display on my roof. Is that a better use of my time than commenting on your blog? Perhaps it would function as a cunning indictment of the excesses of our consumerist culture, but still, who are you to decide for me?
My reasons for turning off blog comments are not so lofty. Let’s be honest. I run a very small blog here. The vast majority of people who read don’t comment. And that’s totally cool! I’m the same way — I rarely comment on other blogs, mostly because the blogs I regularly read are about people’s lives and shit and I like reading them but I don’t have anything to say about what I’m reading most of the time. Sometimes, though, the “0” comment posts kind of stare back at you from the abyss, their one pupil-less eye mocking you and your obscurity. Sometimes you pour hours of sweat, tears, and at least a few really good beers into a blog post that chronicles your hilarious explanation of an inherently human and universal struggle and, like, your mom doesn’t even comment. Then you get into this whole thing where you’re thinking, wow, maybe that post was actually stupid, and then you feel like you just walked out of the bathroom thinking you look smokin’ hot and you actually have toilet paper streaming from your shoe and your skirt is stuck in your underwear. Then you feel stupid because blogging is really just about being a self-centered jackass on the internet after all and you shouldn’t care about comments.
The thing is, though, if you have a big, huge blog, the commenting situation is even worse. You might write a pretty stupid blog post:
Today my child pooped. Here is a picture of my dog with some shit on his head.
If you have a big, giant popular blog, you’ll get a bazillion comments on that post, like so:
1. That is fantastic!
2. HAHAHAHA oh my god you are so funny!
3. Hey, my child pooped today, too! BFFs!
4. Oh wow, I can’t believe I’m the first comment!
5. I had similar issues with a child pooping the other day. I’m glad we have the internet so we can get through these things together.
6. This post should have a “trigger” warning!!!!
7. You are so brave to talk about this.
8. Here is a picture of my penis [redacted].
9. You know I luvz you, bitchez, yo yo yo!
10. It’s amazing that you’re willing to share your human side with us.
11. SQUEEEE I love dogs, too!
12. Your dogs looks amazing with that shit on his head.
13. I don’t want to be negative, but personally I liked the dog better before there was shit on his head.
14. I so feel your pain! I’ve been reading your blog for years and you’re really an inspiration.
15. I love it!
16. I love it!!!
17. #13, don’t be such a hater, hater!
18. Poop fucking sucks. I can’t believe we have to deal with it. Ay gods, everybody poops! What’s up with that?
19. Some days I poop and some days I don’t. I vaccinate my children.
20. I’m driving by your house right now.
21. OH MY GOD I SO KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT. I like to exhibit my internet superiority by using UNNECESSARY CAPITAL LETTERS FOR EMPHASIS. ALL THE TIME. ALSO. EXTRA. PERIODS.
22. This website is really great. I really enjoyed this article. I would like to read more articles like it but my head is stuck up my ass and I’m not sure how.
23. Oh my goodness, that is just beautiful.
24. Hey #18, poop doesn’t fucking suck! Poop is great! Asshole!
25. I love love love love love your dog and his fashion sense!
26. Yay for dogs with stuff on their heads!
27. Looks awesome! Have you thought about putting a belligerent NFL player on your dog’s head?
28. Wow, amazing! You have such style!
29. I love your dog and his little hat. You could almost call it a jaunty chapeau.
30. I love it. You really have a talent for putting things on your dog’s head!
31. I wrote 27 poems about your beautiful dog. I will email one to you every day for the next 27 days, and then I will write more.
32. I think about your dog when I’m lying in bed at night contemplating my purpose on this earth and he really provides me with the motivation I need to carry on.
33. Wow, it really lightens him up! I love it!
This shit is continued on the next 27 pages!
Is that any better than the crickets around here now? Arguably, it is not.
Comments are valuable when a blog covers topics that are controversial or encourage lively discussion. Unless I’m writing about music played at Colorado Rockies games, this is not one of those blogs. That is, unless, of course, you have strong opinions about my dog, in which case you might want to look into pink plastic yard flamingo acquisition.