Coltrane used to keep a blog on Myspace. I know, I’m sorry. Some highlights are behind the cut, but don’t say I didn’t warn you that “stupid” does not begin to describe it.
Barking at shit Nov. 27, 2007
Hey guys I just went outside in the back yard and I was barking my head off at some shit. I don’t know what it was but oh wow I really barked at it a whole bunch. It was cool. You know how there are these dogs next door, right? I’m way better at barking than they are because I don’t need a reason to bark at stuff I just do it, you know? Except that one dog got a haircut and wears a bandana and I’m kind of jealous of the bandana but what can you do.
Manage my Blog Nov. 29, 2007
So I just noticed that I’m online now. I mean I know I’m online because I’m online, but it was kind of funny to see it like that. Coltrane. Online now! I mean if I wanted to I could send myself a message and that would be kind of cool.
I should tell you about how much I like Brian Urlacher. He is a great defensive player. Possibly the greatest of all time. He could tackle most people, maybe all people. I can’t think of anyone in the world Brian Urlacher couldn’t tackle. Chuck Norris would be difficult but Urlacher could do it. He could tackle Devin Hester, but good thing he won’t have to!
DELETED Dec. 3, 2007
Sometimes I get friend requests and I’m really excited because I like friends! I like people and I like other dogs and I like cats too but usually they want nothing to do with me at all. But yay friends! It’s always disappointing when I log in and see that I have new friend requests but then I go see them and they’re all deleted. That’s almost as lame as when some woman wants me to CLICK HERE!!!!!!! to see her pics and vid and she says she wants me to write her from her site because she thinks we have a lot in common. Really we have a lot in common? Does that mean she likes to sniff butts and eat poo out of the litter box when nobody’s looking? And lick her stuff? I guess if she likes all that stuff maybe I should talk to her!
VALERIA Dec. 5, 2007
I am sorry Valeria but I did not meet you at a bar the other night. I am a dog. Dogs don’t really go to bars. But thanks for your interest and the invitation to view your secret special cam. I don’t know what a cam is and I don’t want to get internet herpes or anything so I’m not going to check that out.
CHEWING ON MY BONE Dec. 12, 2007
I was chewing on my bone but then I stopped. Wait, I have an itch.
MY LAST NAME Jan. 7, 2008
So a question came up the other day and the question is, what is my last name? That is a good question because even I am not sure what the answer is. According to my dad (I’m adopted!), my last name is Watanabe, but this is confusing because my profile says that I am black/African descent???! But he says I am descended from a prominent man who was responsible for bringing “drifting” to the United States. If that’s true, how I ended up in Greeley is a mystery for the ages, huh!?
I will keep you posted when I find out more. I wonder if dad emigrated (!!) from Japan and came over on a boat that had cars on it? That would be cool. Imagine being on a boat with cars on it!
BARKING VOL. 2 Jan. 7, 2008
Oh my god you guys. I don’t want to fill up my blog with too much stuff I post but WOW I just went outside and I started barking at some shit and then you know how there are all these dogs next door? Well after I went out and started barking, they started barking too! I think it was mostly that big huge girl dog. I like her but she kind of scares me. They were dogsitting for this Saint Bastardino (sp??) who is like so really cool and totally down to earth and drools and stuff like that.
HIT IN THE HEAD BY A WII REMOTE Feb. 4, 2008
Hey guys! One day I got hit in the head by a Wii remote. Good thing I have a head like a dinosaur and there’s lots of room in there for my brain. I guess the remote still works, too!
Okay, I’m gonna go watch the Puppy Bowl again. I fast forward through the kitty halftime show because I’m all awwwww I like the kitties but they’re all ewwwwww it’s a big stupidhead dog, and then that fat siamese one smacks me in the face. Haha, never a dull moment, huh?
EATING STUFF Feb. 10, 2008
Hey guys. Today has been awesome so far. There’s still some snow in the yard and then dad made breakfast burritos and if you know anything about that, you know that he drops all kinds of stuff on the floor and then I get to eat it. That is so cool! I love eating stuff, especially when it’s food. It’s like you’re just hanging out and then all of a sudden there’s food. I guess that vegetarian bacon and sausage stuff is okay. I mean, sausage in any form is pretty much the best thing on earth, don’t you agree?
SORRY! AN UNEXPECTED ERROR HAS OCCURRED! Feb. 10, 2008
Hey guys. Every time I try to post a new blog I get this error message. It says “Sorry. an unexpected error has occurred” and it has been forwarded to the Myspace technical people. I’m no editor, but shouldn’t “an” be capitalized if it’s the start of a new sentence? I’m so confused! Is the error really unexpected if it happens a bunch of times every time I try to post a new blog? If I expect the error, it’s expected, not unexpected, right? Oh man I’m just a dog trying to do my blogging here! I hate getting confused about this technical stuff. Hopefully I’ll find some unexpected food in the yard this afternoon!
SAUSAGE March 21, 2008
Hey guys, I’m a little bit miffed. Is “miffed” the right word? I’m not so miffed that my mood isn’t “chipper” as always, but still. Have you guys seen that Bud Lite commercial where the guy is in the kitchen and he has the ability to talk to animals? And there’s some fancy-pants dog there that looks at the guy who can communicate with animals and the dog just says
Sausage. Sausage! Please sausage! Sausages. Sausage. Sausage.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy that a dog finally has a speaking part in a beer commercial. My people have waited many years for this day, and it is a glorious day. I’m not complaining about that or trying to speak ill of fancy-pants dogs. However. I am a bit miffed because that’s totally my line. They plagiarized me. I’m always thinking about sausage. I say “sausage” all the time, too, but because you don’t have the ability to talk to animals, you don’t know that. So I’m telling you. Sausage!
I’m sorry that I got fat. May 27, 2008
This is so cool. These guys moved in next door to us, and they’re like my favorite people ever. There’s like a whole bunch of them, and they, like, FEED ME ALL THE TIME. It’s totally the best thing in the entire world. Sometimes they’re grilling and there’s this spot in the fence where there’s a thing missing, right? And I can stick my snout right through there, not to be rude or anything but just to let them know I’m there. And then they totally feed me (or as the cool kids say these days, they totes feed me) all the time. There’s also a balcony upstairs, and sometimes they even THROW FOOD OFF THE BALCONY for me. Sometimes it’s hard to imagine that I live in a world of such bounty and awesomeness. When I’m out in the back yard by myself, I like to stare at their house. I hope that if I stare hard enough, they will know I’m there and they will come out and feed me.
The problem, however, can best be summed up by quoting a Wesley Willis song: I’m sorry that I got fat I will slim down. I’m kind of chunky these days. And lazy. I’m chunky and lazy. I guess that makes me like most people, except that I’m a dog so not really. But you know what I mean. It’s the human — er, canine — condition. We like to eat and we’re lazy, so there might be a tendency to get fat from time to time.
I mean, the other day, I went to the dog park and usually I’m like Brian Urlacher out there, kicking ass, taking names, and knocking everybody on their ass like I deserve my own verse in the Super Bowl Shuffle. But this time I was all out of breath before we even got there, and I couldn’t keep up with anybody except this yappy little dog, and that wasn’t cool at all. There were all these fancy dogs there, like border collies, and this one dog who tried to have sex with me and that’s just rude. Rude! Don’t try to have sex with other dogs at the dog park. That’s totally not cool man.
Blogging Woof July 21, 2008
Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof!
I’ve been barking at a lot of shit lately. I’m not sure this warrants a whole blog entry, but I have to blog about something and barking is what I do pretty much all the time. There are so many things to bark at in the summertime. There are people and other dogs and trucks and cars and cats and squirrels and fat pigeons and fireworks and gunshots and the wind and it’s really kind of tiring now that I’m thinking about all these things I have to bark at every day.
Oh hey! Do you like my new picture? I look kind of stupid, don’t I? Haha! Fukudome! Haha that sounds like a bad word but it isn’t! I mean, unless you hate the Cubs, which I kind of do because look at me, I’m totally a White Sox fan. But I guess we can all be friends!
THAT DAMN CAR THING Sept. 2, 2008
Current mood:pissed off
GOD DAMN IT. I am SO PISSED.
My dad has this RADIO CONTROLLED CAR and he had it out zipping around in the back yard earlier today. SHIT. THAT THING REALLY PISSES ME OFF. I don’t think I’ve ever been mad before in my life. I’m always “chipper,” you know? I’m a very mild mannered kind of guy and usually have a live-and-let live philosophy, which allows other individuals to pursue their interests and lifestyles as they see fit, as long as no harm results to anyone else. BUT THAT GODDAMN RADIO CONTROLLED CAR PISSES ME RIGHT THE HELL OFF. You have no idea. That thing MOVES AROUND and shit and flips over? And I have to KILL IT. But I can’t! It has like super-human (or super-car I guess??) powers and it just KEEPS GOING. It’s all fast and shit and I try to catch it and I flipped it over a couple times and it goes zzzzzzzzzz! and then somebody turns it over and it GOES and OH MY GOD MAKE IT STOP PLEASE I CAN’T TAKE ANY MORE OF THAT THING JUST ZIPPING AROUND LIKE THAT. I bark and growl at it and everything and it doesn’t even care! It’s like it has anti-dog protection powers and knows I am powerless to stop it in its cruel heartless pursuit of moving freely throughout the back yard while I can do nothing but watch.
It really reminds you how you’re powerless in the larger face of humanity as we know it. Humanity and those damn RC cars. Ugh.