The Swimsuit Issue


Song: In the Sand by Panyard
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Last year, on a lovely February day, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue arrived in my mailbox and said:

‘Sup, fatty?

Less than four months after giving birth wasn’t the exact time I’d pick to view page after page of sexy women in teeny little swimsuits. I mean, I’d realized a long time ago that there was no reason to fear or hate sexy women. In short, their existence doesn’t lessen whatever attractiveness I may possess, and any guy who wants one of them doesn’t want me and, therefore, they’re not going to encroach on my market or anything. However, looking at them while feeling a little new-mom flabby wasn’t my favorite thing in the world.

This year, I was ready for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. I’m finally, for the first time in years, at my “yay rah happy weight” (this must be said in Wesley Willis voice). Listen. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not skinny and I’ll never in a bazillion years look as good as the women in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, even without them being photoshopped to within an inch or two or several of their lives. But at least this year I don’t feel like it’s saying:

‘Sup, fatty?

So that’s an improvement and I’ll take it.

In other news, I’ve been in the market for a new swimsuit. Being at butt head say rah happy weight means new things are possible this summer. Maybe we can have pool parties in our yard (we upgraded our above-ground pool last year) — we can invite people over, play beachy-house music (stuff like the song linked above*), eat stoner bruschetta, and drink beer (I’d say some other kind of drink that you’d actually serve at a pool party, but I don’t know what that is and let’s be honest, we’re just going to drink beer anyway). Maybe we can go to the wave pool or a public pool, which now that I think about it probably isn’t a good idea because I’ll just sit there and think about how all the kids peed in the pool because you never admit it but everybody in the world did that (I did it a lot after that time when I was a kid and I did not properly dry off to go to the bathroom after swimming at my grandparents’ condo in Lauderdale-By-the-Sea and actually fell into the toilet and got stuck and my mom had to pull me out — after that, I was all pee in the pool all the time).

Attaining my rock over London rock on Chicago weight means it’s time to stop squeezing into the old Victoria’s Secret tankini I’ve been wearing for years. It maybe fit me like two cup sizes ago, before I had a kid, and that shit’s just not right. I’m, like, entitled to a new swimsuit or something.

So I was on a mission. Victoria’s Secret was out because, although they awesomely make bra-sized swimwear, they do not make bra-sized swimwear in my ridiculous new bra size. I mistakenly spent some time at work one day looking for other options and stumbled upon something that looked remotely like soft-core porn. Sorry, work! I do not wish to look remotely like soft-core porn and I’m sure the world does not wish that I would look remotely like soft-core porn, so that was out.

I finally found something that comes in my ridiculous size, looks decent, and has a boyshort option. (It’s by Freya.)

Not bad, right? Because of the gold trim, I can rock my old nameplate necklace, because for whatever reason, those things are all over the Swimsuit Issue this year** and I kind of like an excuse to wear that thing without feeling like I’m trying to represent Sex in the City, which I’m totally not, because I liked Sex and the City back in the day but a few months ago I tried to watch the movie and couldn’t even get through the first hour because it was so dumb, which is kind of like Inception, which put me to sleep because it was so smug and proud of itself I just couldn’t take any more and gave in to the sweet relief of unconsciousness less than an hour in, which is good because I missed the part where they were so self-satisfied they decided gravity didn’t apply to them or something. I’m not really a movie person, as you might have guessed. I am, however, finally, a swimsuit person. I guess.
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Notes
* Here is a complete collection of beachy-house tunes.
** The nameplate necklaces as seen in the SI Swimsuit Issue are from Caja Jewelry.