The Moment of Bangs


So I got bangs.Okay, feisty felines, I did it. I got bangs. This happened despite the fact that my better judgment and at least two very wise people told me not to do it. Sometimes what happens is that a girl gets a bee in her bonnet about doing something (that might be ill-advised) to her hair and once the snowball starts rolling there’s no stopping it until after it results in an avalanche that flattens the tiny, unsuspecting village below. Fortunately for me, this is the worst thing I’m going to do to my hair, which is really saying something when you consider the fact that I used to do things like (in chronological order) get perms, dump straight peroxide on my hair, get “lines” and elaborate designs cut into my hair, shave the underside of my head, dye my hair blue, dye my hair white with professional-grade products I don’t think I should’ve been allowed to buy until it actually started to turn green, and then shave it to the bone and give it a new start (just kidding on the last one, but that’s the course of action my dad has been recommending for years, right after he recommended playing “far far away” [my dad is awesome]).

I even went so far as to get the wrong bangs, the blunt ones that lay flat and make you look like an 8-year-old or a hipster. I think my bang-getting philosophy is along the lines of “go hard or go home,” so this is what I always do. I go hard and then I go home. And cry. No, I don’t really, but I did sort of pretend cry at the salon right after she started snipping. The woman who does my hair is super-awesome and has been through many years of bangs-getting, bangs-regretting, and bangslessness. My relationship with her is one of the bedrocks of my life in Denver, if you want to know the truth. If you have someone you trust with your hair, anything in life is possible. Right?

Anyway, a big part of the reason I made the leap is the fact that you guys voted for bangs here (this is true even though I voted “no” from two computers) and I promised I’d do it. I’ll have to keep this mechanism in mind the next time I have a decision to make. Should we have another kid? Vote here! (Just kidding. We’re not having another kid.) And also I realized that I look atrocious with no bangs and my hair up, which is how I wear it the vast majority of the time because I’m a lazy evening showerer, which means that if I want to do my hair in the morning it requires the straightening iron, which isn’t all that bad but most of the time I don’t really have that 15 extra minutes, or actually I do, but I’d rather spend it talking shit on the internet instead of standing in the tiny bathroom straightening my hair. (In our bathroom’s defense, it does have a stellar setup for hair straightening, because the mirror over the sink and the mirror on the medicine cabinet can be aligned such that you can perfectly see the back of your head, which actually is quite fantastic.)

I’m not sure about these bangs. I concurrently think they should be longer and sideswept, shorter, thicker, and nonexistent. Whatever I think, I better get used to bangs, because I’m going to have them for the next 57 years because that’s how long it takes to grow them out.