We Need an Attorney (and We’re Crazy)


Generally, I’m happy with my employer and the work I do. Still, just like you don’t stop looking at hotties after you get married, you don’t stop looking at job ads just because you like your job. Right? I mean, one day, you might find something absolutely perfect, like:

Opportunity for Fabulous Attorney

Our boutique downtown Denver firm located in a historic mansion is looking to hire an attorney to practice sophisticated bankruptcy law. Must be admitted to practice in the highest court of any state and adept at spending hours talking shit about things that have nothing to do with your job on the internet. Must bill 1,000 hours per year. Compensation = $100k+ and generous wardrobe allowance. We offer an on-site Montessori daycare, a state-of-the-art health club where there are always enough treadmills, and complimentary vegetarian lunches cooked by our chef.

Shockingly, those fabulous opportunities never arise. I have to say it’s pretty freaking bleak out there. I’ve seen an ad for a small Chicago law firm that was offering $10 an hour for an attorney position. I’ve seen countless writing/editing “jobs” that don’t pay. (Protip: If it doesn’t pay, it’s not a job. Duh.) I’ve found people who can’t string a sentence together looking for editors for their “books,” which usually involve some type of metaphysical The Secret jive turkey shit. Also there are quite a few mentally unstable individuals using Craigslist to try to obtain legal representation in their malicious prosecution and/or child support cases from people who may or may not be admitted to practice and won’t charge them “lawyer rates.”

Today I found a pretty good help-wanted ad, if by “good” I mean one that made me think, “Whatchu talkin’ ’bout crazypants?”

We Need An Attorney – Bilingual is Preferred. (Denver)

We need an attorney who is bilingual in Spanish. We are also seeking an attorney who is patient. We need an attorney who is willing to deal with a building firm. We are small and our office is not the spectacular. However, the office is our beginning. If you would like to begin with us, then give us a call. This is only a part time position. Also, we require a drug and alcohol screening. Also, please no overeaters. We would prefer a non – smoker.

Call: 303-***-**** or respond with a resume to Cowgirl*******@hotmail.com

  • Location: Denver
  • Compensation: $1000.00 to $2500.00
  • This is a part-time job.
  • This is a contract job.
  • Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
  • Please, no phone calls about this job!
  • Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

I decided I should email Cowgirl*******@hotmail.com, using my numerous email accounts, with questions from potential job seekers.

Potential Job Seeker #1:

 Hi,

I’m very interested in your “We Need An Attorney” ad. I think I might be qualified, but I have a question. Sometimes when I’m having something really good for dinner, like super-delicious pizza with extra sauce and cheese that’s slightly greasy and oh-so-gooey, I eat too much and then spend the next few hours sitting around on the couch talking about how “I’m so full” or “I’m going to explode” or “I’m never eating again.” Am I unqualified based on this infrequent habit?

Thanks!

Cowgirl:

If this habit is, as you claim, infrequent, you are welcome to apply for the position.

Potential Job Seeker #2:

Are the drug and alcohol screenings required to come back negative? I assume “please no overeaters” means you don’t want potheads. Is recreational cocaine use okay?

Cowgirl:

Yeehaw!

Potential Job Seeker #3:

Is “Also, please no overeaters” a fancy way of saying no fatties?

Cowgirl:

….

Potential Job Seeker #4:

Hi! I’m fucking crazy enough to apply for a job where my future employer has expressed interest in controlling my dietary habits before we even meet. Should I apply for a restraining order now or wait until you come to my house to padlock my refrigerator?

Cowgirl:

We’re not going to padlock your refrigerator. We just don’t want fatties. Sorry if that wasn’t clear from our posting.

Potential Job Seeker #5:

I have a question about the compensation. Is that $1000.00 to $2500.00 per hour?

Cowgirl:

It’s per year.

Potential Job Seeker #6:

I am the spectacular. Will you hire me?

Cowgirl:

Probably.

Just kidding. The ad is real but I didn’t actually email anybody about it. I thought about it, though. These ads pretty much make fun of themselves, but sometimes I want to do it, too.