Soren does this thing where sometimes he refers to other women as mommy. It used to happen more often than it does now and include women on tv and in real life. My favorite mommy of all time was Erin Andrews because I think it’s safe to assume that if my child erroneously refers to Erin Andrews as mommy, it’s because mommy looks like Erin Andrews such that it’s only logical that he’d mistake Erin Andrews for mommy. Mommy has a long history of being fond of Erin Andrews.
It doesn’t happen all that often any more, but when it does, it tends to be at Argonaut (big liquor store) and involve allegedly hot women. At least this is how Ben reports it, because the mommy sightings don’t happen when mommy is around. After a trip to Argonaut, Ben will say that Soren picked out several hot mommies at the store. Of course, I interpret this as meaning that I’m hot, because that’s logical. Right?
(I’ve never been sure whether Soren refers to other women as mommy because they remind him of me or because his understanding of women in general is that they’re mommies. It’s probably the latter, but I’ll never miss the opportunity to subtly advocate for the position that Erin Andrews and attractive women buying beer remind someone of me.)
The same thing has never happened with daddy, despite the fact that I watch a lot of sports, which, I presume, is an area rife with the opportunity to find daddies. Until today. Soren and I went to the fancy Whole Foods,1 mainly to get some gluten,2 tofu,3 seitan, and a birthday card for daddy (I wouldn’t normally buy a birthday card at Whole Foods but, full disclosure, I’m too lazy to go to a whole ‘nother store just to buy a card when I’m at a store that sells cards). Right before Soren picked out a birthday card for daddy (it features a dog wearing a tiara made from actual rhinestones, which would not have been my first choice for a birthday card for my husband, but now that I think about it, it’s an admirable choice), he saw this hippie dude with a beard going into the bathroom. “Daddy!” he said to the guy. The guy smiled and said hi to him, which was nice.
But then I was all, hey wait a minute. Why that guy? Ben doesn’t look like a hippie dude with a beard. And what if that dude thinks I’m hanging out with my kid at Whole Foods shopping for a new daddy and he’s it? Oh man that’s how Lifetime movies or an episode of Fatal Encounters start.
So anyway, Ben looks like a random hippie dude with a beard and I look like Erin Andrews. Yep.
1. I hate the word “clusterfuck,” but lunchtime-ish trips to this particular Whole Foods location qualify. To deal with it, I fantasize about doing non-Whole-Foodsy things at Whole Foods. Today, I thought about how it would be fun to tailgate in the Whole Foods parking lot with friends and the people you encounter on Twitter who seem really cool and always make you laugh. We’d blast Aphex Twin and have a nice spread of food and an endless supply of cocaine (just kidding about the cocaine, of course, it’s just that you need to be sufficiently scandalous) and a large basket of free-range eggs we’d throw at people driving Audis. What’s up with people driving Audis? I used to think people who drove BMWs were assholes, but people driving Audis asshole them out of the water these days. So aggressive and annoying, and so likely to be at the Cherry Creek Whole Foods for lunch, where they’d get some kind of bland salad — you know, the kind that has way too much oil and not nearly enough flavor even after you add salt like 3 times — and aggressively jangle their keys while waiting in a line that doesn’t move quickly enough. In other news, when I go to a store looking like complete ass and there’s no self-checkout, I’m going to get in the line of the cashier who looks the most like the put-upon mom from an 80s movie.
2. If you’re ever at Whole Foods looking for the gluten, it’s in the gluten-free section. It took me so long to find it I felt like an urban pioneer (like a boss, I don’t ask for directions). I ended up in the gluten-free section, where I was met with, like, an entire wall of little bags of gluten-free flours and shit, and it seemed like the kind of place that would have a little bag of gluten, but then I thought it would be mean and/or weird to put the gluten right where the people who can’t/don’t eat gluten would be shopping. So I looked all over the store and when I didn’t find it anywhere, I figured I’d have to order it online, which is what I always do for everything but then sometimes I feel bad for not shopping local and all that shit, not that buying gluten from the Cherry Creek Whole Foods really counts but whatever. It really seemed like if it was going to be anywhere, it was going to be in the gluten-free aisle, so I headed back over there and finally found it, in a box instead of a little bag, which might be why I missed it in the first place.
3. Soren and I are big fans of the tamari tofu from the Whole Foods salad bar. We don’t go to Whole Foods very often, but when I ask Soren if he wants to go to Whole Foods, his response is always, “Go to Whole Foods and get tofu!” Then when we get to Whole Foods, he’s all, “Tofu! Hooray!” And then someone at Whole Foods smiles at this and I feel bad for thinking that going to Whole Foods makes me want to do coke and throw eggs at cars.