My Ultimate Dream


Let me start by saying I’m totally not high right now. If I were high, I’d wait to write this post until tomorrow morning when I’m not high any more, only then I wouldn’t write it because I’d realize it’s a dumb idea because most ideas you have while high turn out to be kind of dumb even though at the time you think they’re the best idea to ever happen.

Tonight I had a vision of my ultimate dream. This is something I think should exist. I want to make it happen. Being more an idea person than a person of action, this will be hard to achieve, especially because I don’t have any money. But here it is. I think this idea is so awesome I’m putting it out there with the realization that someone else may well make it happen before I can, and that’s totally cool.

Okay, here it is.

I want there to be a place that is: an animal rescue, a farm, a bed and breakfast, a brewery, and a pizzeria.

Here’s how it works. You decide you want to go on vacation. You want to do something other than all the other shit you’ve done on vacation before. You don’t want to stay at some snooty hotel in the mountains and go skiing. You don’t want to go on a cruise. You don’t want to go to some city and shop and have lunch and do all the things you always think you want to do but that end up leaving you feeling unfulfilled.

You want a vacation that’s awesome, but that also allows you to give back, to do something meaningful that benefits someone other than yourself.

That’s where we come in.

You come to our place. It doesn’t have a name yet. It’s in Colorado, preferably somewhere beautiful that isn’t too far from Denver, but we have to take into consideration the expense of buying land and the weather. We can’t be so high in the mountains that we can’t grow fruit and vegetables and house chickens.

Here’s what our place looks like: It’s a sprawling compound. One section is dedicated to all types of animals we’ve rescued or people have brought to us. There are buildings and outdoor runs and chicken coops. Another section contains gardens. There’s a building that houses the brewery and pizzeria. And then there’s some type of bed and breakfast/inn-type entity. It could be a hotel or cabins or yurts or a series of rehabbed vintage campers. There’s also a campground where you can bring your camper van.

So, um, what do people do here? I’m glad you asked. What they do is have the most awesome, fun vacation they’ve ever had, and do some awesome volunteer work with the animals and on the farm.

Here’s what your day might look like. You show up, get checked in, and find your room, which let’s say is a rehabbed Airstream decorated in a cat theme, kitschy but super cute. Maybe there’s one of those cat clocks on the wall — you know the ones, where the eyes go back and forth — and a teapot shaped like a cat. Maybe there’s even an actual cat who stays with you. That would be cool. (I stayed at a hotel in Minnesota once where you got a cat with your room. It was awesome.)

You’ve been traveling, so you’re hungry. And you’re on vacation, so you want a drink. That’s great. You go to the pizzeria/brewery to get some, well, pizza and beer. If you’re traveling alone and are into that sort of thing, there’s a big communal table in addition to smaller tables. Everything is made on site with organic ingredients that are grown on the premises when possible. If there are two things your proprietors know, it’s pizza and beer, so you’ll probably enjoy yourself. And the additional good news is you can get as drunk as you want because you don’t have to drive anywhere because your awesome camper room is within easy walking distance.

In the morning when you wake up, you might be a little hungover. That’s cool. The basket of cruelty-free, organic amenities in your bathroom includes ibuprofen and a reminder to drink more water because it’s dry here. Your room is stocked with a coffeemaker and beans you can grind yourself. Last night before you went to bed, you put your breakfast order card on your door. Every room comes with a made-to-order breakfast burrito delivered at the appointed time to your room. (We’re not really morning people and understand if you’re not, either.)

When you’re feeling better and well-fed, the real fun starts. This is where this vacation really takes it to the next level. Instead of engaging in traditional vacation-like pursuits like lounging or shopping or walking around talking shit about the locals, you get to volunteer in a meaningful way with the animals and the farm. You can clean the runs and shovel poop and feed the chickens. You can pull weeds. You can make some strawberry preserves and pickles. You can plant peppers and help make beer. Unfortunately, the beer you help brew won’t be ready to drink before you head home, but in exchange for a contribution of __ volunteer hours, we’d be happy to ship you a six pack when it’s ready. You’ll leave feeling fully capable of putting “farm hand” on your resume.

Ben thinks this is not a terrible idea but also a little ADD and too unrealistic. I think that the best ideas are crazy and vast — because if they aren’t, they’ve already been done. I think this whole concept will appeal to people, well, people like us, who are hippies who want to go on vacation once in a while but also want to do something more meaningful than just go on vacation. The costs will have to be reasonable because this isn’t a vacation for only rich people. It’s a vacation for everybody who wants it.

Of course the whole establishment will be child friendly. If there’s one thing we want to teach the children of the next generation, it’s that you should have fun . . . while also doing good. Everybody is welcome and everybody is going to have a good time.

So this is what I’ve been thinking about tonight. If you’re, like, really rich, and would like to contribute to this venture, let me know.