Assholery


I would prefer to have no Klout, thanks.

Can I tell you guys about something that’s been pissing me off?

Klout. Klout pisses me right off.

Look. I never signed up for Klout but somehow, there I was on the site with my score and a “score analysis” and a list of people I influence (which um, hi, I don’t even influence my dogs, so whatever that’s dumb).

Here’s the thing. I’m a raging hippie (that doesn’t make sense) and I hate shit like this. I hate scores and honestly, if you’re the kind of person who goes around talking about how you have Klout (sadly, these people exist), I’d kind of like to punch you in the face. While we’re at it, I hate websites with their lists of top blogs and the like. First of all, the blogs listed on lists of top blogs are never very good and, anyway, who in the hell who isn’t in, like, middle school gives a shit about this crap? It’s all babble and bullshit if you ask me.

I also hate Klout because it makes people spam my Twitter feed. I’m always seeing shit about how somebody gave someone +K about being a spammy asshole on the internet or whatever. Today, there were like 900 tweets about some stupid Spotify shit, which you can access if you have Klout (which, as I soon will reveal, you have if you have a public Twitter account).

Because I was on Klout against my will, I ended up linking my Twitter account so I could at least exert some control over what information about me was presented on the site. I thought maybe I could just delete my Klout profile and be done with it. Well, no. If you have a public Twitter account, you’re going to be on Klout, your desire to not be on Klout be damned. I don’t want to make my Twitter private and deprive my legions of fans who don’t actually follow me of the awesome things I say about an under-appreciated baseball team when I’m drunk, so that’s not a good option.

So. What do you do when you have a profile you don’t want on a website you think is dumb and you can’t delete it? If you’re me, you try to get banned.

How do you get banned from Klout? I have no idea. I googled it and came up with this, which is hilarious and illustrates the complete stupidity of Klout but doesn’t actually tell you how to get banned.

 

So, I figure I’ll start with the basics and do what I do best — using terrible, inappropriate language. You can see the result on my stupid-ass Klout page, which I can only hope is currently updating my True Assholery number. I’ll let you know how this goes. In the meantime, if you want to give me +K on “being an asshole on the internet,” I’ll take it.

Update: In a new effort to get my account deleted, I searched Klout help and found this:

If you would like to delete your registration, please email contact@klout.com and we will process your request within 5 business days. All personal information that you submitted to Klout during registration will be completely deleted from our database within 30 days.

I emailed and I’ll let you know what happens!

Update: Some person named Lan “deleted my Klout account” for me. All this means is that it appears that I never signed up for Klout. Unfortunately, as a result, my “Fucking shit Klout is dumb” name and position as Brand Ambassador of Your Ass no longer appear when you view my profile. My picture and Klout score are still on the site, against my will I might add. Clearly, Lan and I have a different understanding about what “delete” means.

Fucking shit Klout is dumb.

Update: As of November 1, 2011, you can delete your Klout profile. (You can see a screenshot of the page here.) If you don’t have an active Klout account, to access the “opt out” page you have to sign into Klout with Twitter. Then go to profile settings. It appears to work — I just tried it and my profile seems to no longer exist. Sweet!


Blunt honesy on the internet: a case study

‘Sup, internet?

So, Ozzie Guillen’s son Oney is on Twitter. He posts awesome tweets:

Get ur own life on track then try and run others. Hater

I hope the dorks aren’t running the organization or else were fucked. 3 geeks who never played baseball a day in there life telling expe …

I love it how people are monitoring my tweets like I’m someone important. Everyone is entitled to there own opinion

@cst_sox and a pic of u in vegas. Would be u and jay m canoddling behind a craps table. Both with ur pasty white culos

I love how cubs fans get excited about beating us in march there so lame it hurts

@cst_sox I disagree I’m not Ben whatever his name is. I act like I have been out before unlikes him

@cst_sox well I’m glad to be a proud member of the cowley fam. But I refuse to watch steelers game and be naked

@cst_sox as long as I’m not from minnesota or steel city I’m fine talk about shitholes

@oguillenjr we run the bases like ass that’s why.

The Guillen family just got screwed over or fucked… but dont worry we have our own way of handling this

My dad just said I belong on sesame street

Dinner for the anniversary time to get drunk and talk about everyone that’s doing Guillens wrong lookout

I just farted and I cleared the house

What’s worst the mexican mariachis? How fucking annoying wow

Great workout today everything was really smooth….why does joey cora insist on working out while wearing what seems to be a latex body sut

I m not only going to kick your ass, but I will give you a hug after

He’s honest, blunt, and hilarious. These are the kinds of tweets I like to read. I like to hear what people really think, rather some over-sanitized PR shit masquerading as substance. In a world where, more and more often, people are afraid to say anything that matters, the kind of stuff Oney posts is refreshing and just plain awesome.

Oney used to work for the White Sox doing video/scouting stuff. Until yesterday when, as Joe Cowley put it, he got “called into the principal’s office because of his Twitter account.” Sox GM Ken Williams, who has been less than thrilled about anyone associated with the team using Twitter, wanted Oney to stop tweeting or tone it down. Oney said (well, I don’t know what he said because I wasn’t there, so I’m just guessing) something like, fuck no, bitches, and resigned. He continues to tweet.

I like face to face conversation or man to man way better than behind your back.

What I hate is people talking about me. Making a big deal. Taking away from how good the Sox can be

Bruce levine is wrong again. About what he wrote on espn.com. Get ur fact straigh buddy I like u. All false his comments

Why do people give a shit about me. I’m not famous at all. Its not important or relevant

Well, people give a shit about you now because you just showed your cojones to the entire internet. You’ve become important and relevant because, when your bosses told you to shut up, you said “no.” That’s pretty bad ass, if you ask me. Talking shit on Twitter isn’t the most important work in the world or anything, but I appreciate someone standing up for himself like this. As someone who likes to talk shit on Twitter and the internet in general, I appreciate you fighting the good fight like this. (Seriously.)

I’m starting to realize that there are two types of people on the internet: (1) those who want to say what they want to say, everybody else’s opinions be damned; and (2) those who want nothing but safe, complimentary asskissery.

I’ve always believed in saying what I think (on the internet and in life) and I like other people who feel the same way and act accordingly. I believe in people saying what they think about me, too — I’d rather have 100 people call me an asshole than 10 people compliment me and suck up when I don’t deserve it or because they want something from me or from being associated with me. And I strongly believe that, if you can’t handle other people’s real, honest thoughts and opinions, you shouldn’t even be on the internet, because the internet doesn’t exist to feed your ego or your agenda.

One of Oney’s most recent tweets:

I appreciate stones

So do I, Oney. So do I.


Knock knock! It’s Mr. Burglar.

According to an article I read online somewhere, the modus operandi of some local burglars involves pounding on doors and then breaking a window to get in the house if nobody answers. If somebody does answer, they’ll pretend to be looking for work or donations for some bogus charity. (Note: when I was in college, I had a quasi-boyfriend who worked for one of those left-wing charitable organizations where they actually go door-to-door looking for donations, but then he quit and still went door-to-door looking for donations — classy!)

I’m going to assume that this is what happened before some dude broke a window; climbed over the kitchen sink; went through almost every one of my drawers; threw most of my clothes and lots of random crap all over the floor; terrified the hell out of four of five cats (the elderly deaf one was unfazed); filled his pockets (I assume) with earrings and rings (he cleaned me out of gold earrings, including a pair that was my grandmother’s, and took several rings, but somehow left the really good stuff); disconnected and lovingly wrapped our flatscreen LCD TV in a blanket and set it by the back gate; and filled a Vera Bradley (in Nantucket Red, which is the hot pattern for all the felons these days) with my laptop, assorted cords (including the charging base for a Palm Pilot I used almost 10 years ago), a couple cameras, an old cell phone, an empty iPod Shuffle case, the TV manual (but not the remote), a combination lock with no combination (I don’t even know what it is), and a neatly folded Jon Garland Chicago White Sox t-shirt.

(more…)


The Asshole’s Guide to Insulting Women

I don’t know any (openly) sexist asshole men in real life. Really. So I’m always amazed when I encounter asshole men on the Internet.

The thing about sports is that it, well, tends to be an old-boys’ club. The sports world is full of sexist shit that pisses me off if I think about it too much (and, honestly, I’m not often prone to do that, because I don’t always want to be addressing Big Issues in the context of something I enjoy just for the hell of it, which I suppose is lazy of me). Commercials aired during sporting events or programs often are sexist. There are sexist athletes and sexist columnists, and I hate it all, but I try not to hold it against sports as a whole. That would be like being a Cubs fan, but hating the Cubs because of Cubs fans.

That said, there’s one place where the sports assholes come out in droves and it drives me batshit insane every freaking time I see it. It’s a land where you’ll see Asshole Stupidus in its natural environment, taking a gigantic dump on women and human decency.

It’s the land of the Deadspin commenters.

Let’s consider some examples, shall we? These are just from the past two days.

Here we have a post that includes a picture of a Patriots cheerleader. She’s young and you can get a personalized, autographed picture of her. Okay, fine, what’s the big deal?

Comments on this post include [my comments are in brackets and italics]:

  • Sarah Jessica Parker’s got some stiff competition for Horse of the Year. [Haha she’s ugly and so is a rich and famous woman who has nothing to do with this post!]
  • I remember this story from last year and clearly recall this chick was somewhat attractive. What the hell happened? [Haha she’s ugly!]
  • Rebecca, Thanks a lot for causing my testicles to ascend back into my body. I really appreciate it. [Thanks for telling us about your testicles!]
  • Looks like she got beat up by her Masshole boyfriend. [Comment that refers to her as ugly and abuse victim. Hilarious!]
  • Meh. (still would though) [This from someone with the username KazMatsuisAnalFissure.]
  • I don’t think she even qualifies as an attractive Arena Football cheerleader. Maybe AFL2. [Haha she’s ugly!]
  • Dance 10, looks 3. [Comment 1, looks ???]
  • I’ll pass. Seriously, I we need to start establishing some boundaries on what’s a “yes” around here. [Apparently without boundaries and guidelines, we are not intelligent enough to determine who is too ugly for us to be sexin’.]
  • Oh, like you don’t think she belongs in the Butterface All-Stars? [Obligatory Butter Face reference? Check!]

Then we have a post about the backlash against Erin Andrews. I thought the post was well-written and interesting, and agreed that the dress Erin was wearing was appropriate for the situation. Mike Nadel, who wrote the column being discussed, looked like an asshole. The Cubs players discussed in the column looked like immature boys who can’t function like normal adults around an attractive, intelligent woman wearing a summer dress.

But wait until you get to the comments:

  • Am I the only one here who would rather nail Linda Cohn than Erin Andrews? [Are you the only one here who gives a rat’s ass whom you’d like to nail? I thought so.]
  • This is exactly why she looked like a bimbo. If you want to be taken seriously you dress for the job. That dress is intended to be worn while going out to pick up men, not to be taken seriously as a journalist. When she interviewed Theriot post game, he couldn’t even make eye contact with her. [If Theriot couldn’t make eye contact with her, isn’t that HIS problem rather than hers?]
  • Butter-Face [Haha! No really! That’s the whole comment! So original! So funny!]
  • Jesus, bringing up Linda Cohn just completely killed my hard on. She’s all teeth. [Thanks for telling us about your penis. Is this the most action it has seen since the Cubs won the World Series?]
  • Erin Andrews reminds me of the drunk chick at parties who overtly flirts with every guy she can in the shortest amount of time except for me. Her whole act is just too forced, and she comes off like a fucking idiot sometimes. [Fixed that for you!]
  • EA would get sideline interviews no matter what she wears, so why set yourself up for this kind of criticism by wearing something that’s obviously unnecessarily casual? [Why fall into the trap of criticizing a woman for the behavior of those who will criticize her?]
  • as she bent over to shake Aramia Ramirez’ hand, she said: “Good for you…these are gOoOoOoOod for you”…as she shakes her goods for Ram Ram… [???]
  • A well tailored pants suit doesn’t look dowdy or dykey. [Token lesbian insult.]
  • You know what would be awesome? Having sex with Erin Andrews. [You know what would be awesome? For you, I’d guess, having sex with another human. For me, it would be living in a world where assholes stop objectifying women like this.]
  • She has to do more and be better than other journalists in order to attain credibility, otherwise there are people like me who say she got where she is because she’s pretty. If she wants to be taken seriously as a journalist, then she needs to tone down the wardrobe. [Actually, I think the problem is “people like” you who say she got where she is because she’s pretty. She’s not responsible for your issues or judgment of her.]
  • I’d do her.
  • Look, Erin Andrews isn’t a “journalist.” She’s just the token bimbo that ESPN trots out there to ask softball questions during baseball games, so she dresses like one. And she is an average-looking blonde. [Are you the token asshole?]
  • if she wants to be taken seriously, she has to err on the side of dressing conservatively. [Really? According to you? You’re too stupid to take a woman seriously because she dresses less conservatively than you think she should? How sad for you.]

From these examples and more, I’ve learned from Deadspin commenters that, if you’re an asshole and you want to assert your superiority and power over a woman who has the misfortune of encountering you, either in person or on the internet, it’s as easy as following these three steps:

1. Insult a woman for being ugly or fat.

This is by far the best option and should always be your default position. There’s no need to be original here. A two-word comment of “Butter Face” will suffice because really, that one hasn’t been used enough. Obviously, a woman who is ugly and/or fat is completely irrelevant, so commenting on a woman’s ugliness lets everyone know that she is of no importance whatsoever. Don’t be afraid of this option if you’re a woman! Nothing says “I’m one of the guys” like insulting a poor, innocent cheerleader’s appearance.

2. Insult a woman for being a slut.

Unfortunately, not all women are ugly. In fact, some women are hot. Also, there are some instances, especially on the internet, where you have no idea what a particular woman looks like. Fortunately, you can protect yourself from the hot woman or a woman of unknown attractiveness by calling her a slut or a whore. Being a slut is the next best thing to being ugly. You can’t take seriously anything a slut says or does, and a slut is automatically reduced to nothing but boobs and a dissipating vapor of sex appeal that will never amount to anything of substance. Even women who are unwilling to call another woman ugly or fat will use the slut label in the right circumstances.

3. Insult a woman for being a bitch.

You might not know what a woman looks like or anything about her sexual behavior or preferences. In these limited instances, you always can resort to the fall-back position of calling a woman a bitch. The bitch insult is always appropriate and can be used in conjunction with ugly and/or slut. “Bitch” is a very common insult; therefore, some innovation may be necessary. Innovative ways of saying “bitch” include: uptight, needs to get laid, harpy, dyke, killjoy, and one who takes things (especially the internet) too seriously.

So there you go. Hopefully, one day this kind of shit will die out. Until then, I guess I’ll just have to make fun of it.